Stuff Weird People Like

Not all weird people like to fish, but you have to be pretty weird to actually like fishing.

When I was a boy, my Dad used to take us fishing. Getting ready for a fishing trip usually involved an extended search to find the fishing poles, fishing licenses, tackle boxes, bait, lures, bobbers, weights, oars or paddles, life jackets, nets, creels, etc.

Screaming would ensue when things could not be found, or worse, when things were found broken. But eventually we would get all the stuff together and make it to a pond or lake.

Once there, the first order of business was to bait your hook. This involved reaching into a coffee can full of fetid manure, grabbing a squirming night-crawler, and repeatedly impaling it on a barbed hook. The worm would writhe ever more frantically with each penetration of the hook, which made the process even more difficult and horrifying. Dear God, just end it, the worm seemed to scream silently. Please just end it.

I know what some of you are thinking: it was just a worm. It wasn’t a kitten, or a puppy, or a fluffy baby chick. But I was still killing an innocent creature with my bare hands, then flinging it into the water, maimed and half-dead, in the hopes of catching and killing another innocent creature. It would have helped if I really needed the fish in order to survive. In that case I could have said to the worms or the fish, “I am truly sorry, but you must die that I may live.” But unfortunately that was not the case. We were fishing just for the sheer fun of it.

What would usually happen next was absolutely nothing. This is the core activity involved with fishing — sitting and doing absolutely nothing for long periods of time. As the hours wore on, delusional thinking would set in, resulting in sensory hallucinations such as false “nibbles.” Maybe if we moved over there, we’d have better luck. I bet you’re right! Let’s go! Let’s do something.

And when a fish was eventually caught, it was usually the wrong type of fish. Too many bones, and not enough meat. An unwanted fish. Or too small — an illegal fish. We’ll just throw it back. But first there was the matter of removing the hook, which was usually firmly lodged halfway down the fish’s digestive tract. Pass me the pliers! After a few minutes of twisting — and sickening crunching noises — the hook would finally come out (along with a couple of internal organs), and the fish would be released to endure the last few hours of its life with intense suffering and pain. Be free, little one, be free!

But sometimes we would catch the right type of fish. When that happened, you got to take the fish home and “clean” it. This involved cutting the fish’s head off, slitting its belly open, and pulling out its internal organs. Then you were ready to enjoy a fish dinner!

After all that, somehow I couldn’t eat the fish. I couldn’t even stand the smell while it was cooking. That did not go over well with the family, but I just could not bring myself to eat it. It could have been psychological, I guess.

So that’s my story. But here are just some of the reasons YOU are weird if you like fishing:

• You like doing things that are boring and frustrating.
• You like to spend several hours preparing to doing absolutely nothing constructive for several more hours.
• You like to talk about bait and lures.
• You have a hat with a bunch of fishing crap stuck in it.
• You like to say, “lunker.”
• You like to read fishing magazines.
• You suffer from “rod envy.”
• You like to watch other people go fishing on television.
• There are several back issues of Outdoor Life in your bathroom.
• You like torturing, killing, and butchering innocent creatures.
• You may have the potential to become a serial killer.

That’s about it for now! For all you weird fishermen out there, I leave you with this, which definitely never, ever happens in real life: