It has been said that one sure sign of insanity is writing letters to the editor. This is absolutely true. If you write letters to the editor, you are at the very least weird, and quite probably mentally disturbed.
Weird people write letters to the editor for a wide variety of reasons, including:
- Uncontrollable, anal-retentive self-righteousness.
- To compensate for low self-esteem.
- As a desperate plea for attention.
- Because the voices in their head tell them to.
Here is an actual letter to the editor that appeared in the September, 2009 issue of National Geographic magazine, in reference to an article about the Arctic oil rush:
“Your article mentioned that Barrow, Alaska is the northernmost town in North America. Aren’t Sachs Harbour, Resolute, and Grise Ford, Canada, all located farther north than Barrow? I’ve seen these places described as hamlets, but I don’t know if they are officially towns, villages, or something else. Is this just an issue of semantics?”
For the love of God, WHO CARES? Okay, maybe the people who live in Sachs Harbour, Resolute, or Grise Ford could possibly bring themselves to care about this issue, but the person who wrote this letter lives in New York, and is therefore completely insane. And apparently so are the editors at National Geographic, who not only published this madman’s letter to begin with, but also saw fit to research, compose, and publish the following response:
The communities mentioned are so small they are not considered towns. Sachs Harbour and Grise Ford, for example, have populations of only about a hundred residents each.
Whew, thanks for clearing that up — now I can sleep at night! However, I don’t think the National Geographic editors are really helping this person with that type of response. I would have gone with something more along the lines of this:
The communities mentioned are most likely figments of your imagination. This is not so much an issue of semantics, but has more to do with obsessive compulsive disorder and delusional thinking — yours. We would also like to point out that you live in New York, not Alaska. There are lots and lots of things to see and do in New York. We suggest that you try to get out more often, stop spending so much time thinking about Alaska, and we strongly urge you to seek professional help. And if you ever say anything about Barrow again, we will come to your apartment and beat you to within an inch of your life.
The deranged people who write letters to the editor do so with the deluded expectation that other people will think they are:
- Intelligent and well-read.
- Attentive to detail.
- Someone important others should listen to.
- A well-rounded, mature, erudite commentator.
But in reality, most people think someone who writes a letter to the editor is:
- A pretentious, elitist egomaniac.
- A hyper-critical, anal-retentive harpy.
- A pompous blowhard who should be completely ignored.
- A raving lunatic who is probably dangerous.
So there you have it. If you absolutely feel you must write a letter to the editor, don’t say we didn’t warn you. And please — get some help!
