Stuff Weird People Like

Auto racing (also known as automobile racing, motor racing, or car racing) is a motorsport involving racing cars. — Wikipedia

Thank goodness for Wikipedia! Now that we’ve gotten that explanation out of the way, let’s move on.

Environmentally, auto racing is a disaster. It’s not so much the fossil fuels burned during the race as it is the massive carbon footprint of one hundred thousand fans driving to watch a typical NASCAR race. What would Al Gore say? Okay, who cares what Al Gore would say, but I think you see the point.

Then there’s the race itself. I assume it’s pretty exciting if you’re a driver, and you have to avoid collisions while tailgating other cars at 200-plus miles per hour. And I guess it’s probably exciting to be on a pit crew, if you think it’s exciting to change tires really, really quickly.

But  for the fans? You’re basically sitting there in the hot sun watching cars go around a track again and again and again and again. Up to 500 times. In the same direction. Even with the addition of beer consumption, this gets old after a while.

That’s why racing fans secretly hope for the one thing the drivers fear the most: a crash. A really BIG crash, with multiple cars flipping end-over-end, smashing into walls, smashing into each other, flaming wreckage and human body parts flying everywhere, with loose wheels rocketing into the crowd, fatally injuring spectators. We’re talking about a chain reaction apocalypse of death and destruction that doesn’t stop until the track runs red and black with spilled blood and motor oil. Then you’ve got yourself a race!

Along those lines, here are a few suggestions to make auto racing more interesting:

• Make the cars race while towing campers filled with explosives.
• Have half of the cars go around the track in one direction, and the other half of the cars go around the track in the opposite direction. You’d still have the usual excitement of competitive racing, but with the added challenge of avoiding high-speed head-on collisions.
• Put all of the bathrooms in the center of the race track. Access to the bathrooms would be via crosswalks across the track — without pedestrian lights. And give away free beer.
• Organize a cross-country race in which drivers get points for killing pedestrians. Wait, I think someone may have thought of that one already…

Then there’s drag racing, which does not involve men in women’s clothing, although I suppose it could, but which is a motorsport in which two vehicles race side by side for a short distance. Then at the end a little parachute pops out of the back of each car, which is just adorable. There are no turns, so the steering doesn’t seem to be too much of a challenge. The only thing the drivers have to avoid is stepping on the gas too quickly, which would cause the car’s wheels to spin and smoke rather than gain traction. This seems like something anyone could pick up pretty quickly. And for the fans? Well, I guess you have to really like the smell of burning rubber, or the sound of the engines, or the cute little parachutes, or the way the cars go straight down the track. Again and again.

To conclude, please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against auto racing or racing fans. I’m not like those elitist snobs who think people who like auto racing are all inbred, low-life, white trash, tobacco-chewing, beer-guzzling, K-mart shopping, trailer park rednecks. I would never say that, especially since a lot of racing fans own guns. But I do think you’re a little WEIRD.