It has been said that there is no such thing as a stupid question. I beg to differ. Consider the following scenarios:
SCENARIO 1
You are at a restaurant with a group of people. The waiter has just finished reciting the specials, and asks if anyone has any questions. The answer that everyone is hoping for here is, “no,” so you can go ahead and place your order. But unfortunately you are dining with someone weird who likes to ask questions, so it goes something like this:
Waiter: So, does anyone have any questions?
Weird Diner: What’s the tomato soup like?
Waiter: Well, it’s a soup. Made from tomatoes.
Weird Diner: Is it hot?
Waiter: Yes, we do heat the soup.
Weird Diner: No, I mean: is it spicy?
Waiter: No, it’s fairly mild. I think you’d like it.
Weird Diner: Okay…I’ll have to think about it.
Waiter: Well, if there are no other questions…
Weird Diner: If I order the Baked Scrod, can I get it without breadcrumbs?
Waiter: Certainly!
Weird Diner: And can I get french fries instead of the baked potato?
Waiter: Yup!
Weird Diner: And could I get a salad instead of the mixed vegetables?
Waiter: Sure…
Weird Diner: But is the fish fresh? They say you should only order fish on Friday, and this is Wednesday.
Waiter: I’m sure it’s very fresh. Would you like to place your order now?
Weird Diner: Well…would it be possible to substitute chicken for the scrod?
Waiter: Um…I think so…I’ll just go check on that.
The waiter deliberately does not return for twenty minutes, hoping that the Weird Diner and the rest of your group will be too hungry to ask any more annoying questions. Unfortunately, the opposite occurs. The Weird Diner spends the time looking at the menu and thinking up even more questions. Facing starvation, you are ultimately forced to kill the Weird Diner.
SCENARIO 2
You are in a college American Literature class. The instructor has just wrapped up an excruciatingly dull lecture on Nathaniel Hawthorne. During the lecture, time has slowed, then seemingly stopped completely. Several students around you have dozed off. You yourself fell into a comatose state, left your body, and traveled at the speed of light down a long tunnel toward a bright light. After the Nathaniel Hawthorne lecture, you welcomed death, but The Light made you return to your body.
The professor asks if anyone has any questions. With the lecture apparently over, you silently thank God and gather your things to leave. But unfortunately you have someone weird in your class. Someone who likes to ask questions.
The weird student spends a full five minutes asking a question. Something about how Hawthorne’s transcendentalist beliefs affected his relationship with Ralph Waldo Emerson — it’s so convoluted that no one can really follow it. Except for the professor, who nods attentively and then spends fifteen minutes answering the question. By then you have fallen back into a coma and returned to the tunnel and The Light. Thankfully, this time The Light lets you stay.
SCENARIO 3
Two soldiers are disarming an unexploded bomb. One soldier is a staff sergeant with years of experience disarming unexploded ordnance. The other is a weird soldier who likes to ask a lot of questions.
Sergeant: Hold this blue wire.
Weird Soldier: The light blue wire or the dark blue wire?
Sergeant: This one! The one I’m holding, you idiot!
Weird Soldier: Well, you don’t have to shout!
Sergeant: Okay, I need you to be very quiet now.
Weird Soldier: How come?
Sergeant: Because I need to hear that humming sound.
Weird Soldier: What humming sound? I can’t hear anything!
Sergeant: The humming sound in the bomb! Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to cut the red wire. If the humming sound stops after I cut the red wire, the bomb is disarmed and we’re all set. If the humming sound doesn’t stop after I cut the red wire, we have exactly 20 seconds until the bomb detonates.
Weird Soldier: Do you mean the dark red wire or the light red wire?
Sergeant: This one! The one I’m holding! Look, just shut up and pass me the wire cutter.
Weird Soldier: I still can’t hear the humming sound.
Sergeant: YOU don’t have to hear anything! You just need to shut up so I can cut the red wire. Is that clear?
Weird Soldier: Sure!
Sergeant: Okay, here goes!
Weird Soldier: Did you cut the wire?
Sergeant: YES! Now, SHUT UP! I can’t tell if it’s humming or not!
Weird Soldier: Well, I can’t tell either. But I couldn’t hear it to begin with! Can you hear it?
Sergeant: NO!!! NOW SHUT UP!!!
Weird Soldier: I still can’t hear it! Can you hear it? Do you think we should start running now?
[At this point the bomb explodes, killing them both instantly.]
If any of this sounds familiar, you might want to ask yourself this question: “Am I asking too many questions?” If they answer is, “yes,” you might want to tone it down a notch or two. Because you might be asking too many questions. And you just might be WEIRD.
