“I woke up and passed the biggest, longest, and nastiest piece of stuff I had ever seen!” — testimonial from the DrNatura colon cleanser website.
“Just this last week something came out of my body that was disgusting. I could not believe this stuff…was inside of me. I almost got sick to see this. What a relief that I am getting rid of this problem.”
– another testimonial from DrNatura.
I don’t know who is responsible for writing the content on the DrNatura colon cleanser website, but in my opinion they should win some sort of an award for advertising copy. Maybe even a Pulitzer. “How would you feel if long pieces of old toxin-filled fecal matter were stuck to the inside of your colon for months?” Jeez, pretty awful I guess, oh bard of the bowels. “As the old expression goes, death begins in the colon.” Okay, that’s a new one on me…for example, I thought you could die from brain cancer…so you’re saying it starts in the colon and then shoots right up to the brain? I guess you learn something new every day!
Every day I get emails promoting colon cleansing products. A Google search for “colon cleanser” returns 4,460,000 results. Apparently there’s a significant amount of interest in colon cleansers, and therefore a significant market. There’s money in them there colons!
The main gist of most of the advertising for colon cleansers seems to revolve around two tried and true marketing themes:
- Lose weight. Weight loss always sells to begin with, and colon cleansers hold the promise of losing weight without having to diet or exercise. You just need to set aside a couple of days for going to the bathroom.
- Avoid bloating, pain, fatigue, indigestion, constipation, and death.
Lose weight without dieting? Avoid constipation and death? I’m convinced! What? There’s more? You say your product is endorsed by Oprah? THE Oprah? And Dr. Oz? And Rachel Ray? And Paris Hilton? Beyonce? Gwyneth Paltrow? Megan Fox? Anne Hathaway? Britney Spears? My head is just spinning!
So is all this for real? Well, generally I try to avoid vulgarity, but this seems appropriate given the subject matter: It’s all a bunch of crap.
Let’s start with the medical aspect. Is it necessary to cleanse your colon? Absolutely not, according to The Mayo Clinic and Web MD. There is no particular benefit to be gained by cleansing your colon, and significant potential for harm. Your digestive system is designed to naturally eliminate bodily waste without colonic irrigation, herbal supplements, or anything else. It’s good to go. Furthermore, colon cleansing is just unnatural. If God had meant for us to flush our colons, he would have put a little handle down there somewhere.
Here’s one of the precautions recommended by the Mayo Clinic regarding colonic irrigation: “Make sure your colon-cleansing practitioner uses disposable equipment that hasn’t been previously used.” I don’t know about you, but if I have to ask this question going in, I don’t think I’m going in. Or they’re going in…
And as to the celebrity recommendations? Oprah and Dr. Oz absolutely DO NOT sponsor or endorse Acai Berry or any other herbal colon cleanser. Not only that, they recently filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against 40 Internet marketers of dietary supplements, including Acai Berry and other colon cleansers, for falsely claiming that they endorse these products. They have angered Oprah, and now they will pay dearly.
It’s all just a scam, so let us not waste any more words on waste. But perhaps some good can come from all this obsession with colon cleansers. You could use it as an excuse to get out of social engagements: “Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m flushing my colon this weekend.” Some people may think you are weird. But at least you won’t have to go to that lame party.
As with the digestive process, this article must come to an end. If you still feel the need to flush your colon, go ahead. It’s a free country. And it’s your colon. But it probably means that you are WEIRD. Just be careful, okay?
And don’t forget to wash your hands!
