“I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”
— Mark Twain
Mark Twain would have loved Froot Loops.
Apparently Samuel Langhorne Clemens had some serious issues with spelling. He felt it was a complete waste of time and energy to correct spelling errors. I’m guessing he had the same type of English teacher I had in elementary school. Or it could actually have been the same English teacher; she could have passed for anywhere from 75 to 3500 years old. I think she may even still be teaching. Or leading the Army of the Nile against the Romans.
For 12 long years, we are strictly graded on spelling in school. We have to learn the spelling rules, and the endless exceptions to the rules. We memorize lists of words. We take spelling tests. Otherwise brilliantly composed reports lose points for spelling errors. We are forced to participate in spelling bees, a brutal competition in which a dubious correlation between spelling ability and intelligence is reinforced both ruthlessly and publicly.
And then. And then.
And then we get out of school into the world of Froot Loops, Rite Aid, and La-Z-Boy. Someone — not God — said, “Let there be lite.” And there was lite, spreading faster than the speed-o-lite. Lite beer. Lite dinner entrees. Lite ‘n’ fit yogurt. Lite pizza. Lite potato salad. Lite Brite, which manages to incorporate two non-words, and which should not be confused with Brite Life support hose or Rite Brite retainer cleaner. We even have lite music, performed by Gordon Litefoot (just kidding on that one, Gordo).
Then we have “easy.” Four letters. I’m willing to bet that most 1st graders would be able to spell “easy.” But that’s just too long for marketing purposes. People would be completely baffled. We have to go with “ez.” Ez credit repair, ez grow grass (shouldn’t that be ez gro?), ez listening music, ez storage, ez meals. The IRS even has an EZ tax form, which does not mean “easy,” but is actually an acronym for Expect Zero (refund).
There are also a lot of froots out there. Why? Because it’s just more catchy than “fruit,” darn it! Not only Froot Loops, but Froot by the Foot, the Froot Computer (Dell), the froot guard (which protects fruit), and froot smoothies. For some strange reason, it’s Fruit of the Loom and not Froot of the Loom. Frankly, there are too many froots out there, so I’m guessing it’s getting hard to differentiate your brand against the competition. I would suggest adding more “o’s.” If Froot Loops are good, just imagine how much better Frooooooot Loops would be. Much, much frooootier! Or even better, Frooooooot Looooooops. Frooooooooooooooot Loooooooooooooooops. Must…stop…now…
Well, I guess I’ve had enough of this for now. I’m going to get into my La-Z-Boy recliner, crack open a lite beer, put on some ez listening music, and just try to forget about all of this. Later on I’ll heat up a frozen entree — probably one of those lite n ez entrees that r just rite for u.
But wait. I just noticed that “lite” is officially listed on dictionary.com: “an informal, simplified spelling of light, used esp. in labeling or advertising commercial products: lite beer.”
Oh well, at least “rite” isn’t in there yet, except to describe a ceremonial ritual. So I guess I’m technically wrong on lite, but at least I’m right about rite.
To sum this up on a weird note, one of the most commonly misspelled words — other than “misspelled,” which really looks like it should have fewer S’s and L’s — is the word “weird” itself, which is commonly misspelled “wierd.” If you think that’s no big deal, it’s okay with me, but some people might think you are less intelligent. Or even WEIRD.
Just remember, it’s “I before E, except after C.” Except when sounding like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh.” And for some reason the rule doesn’t apply to “weird.” See how EZ it is, Mark?
