OPENING SCENE
Pre-dawn on the edge of a forest in primeval Europe. A group of Neanderthals sleeps around the glowing embers of last night’s fire. Yesterday’s kill was successful, and today they sleep soundly after gorging themselves late into the night on Woolly Mammoth roasted over an open fire. Possibly, there was also lots of primitive beer involved.
Suddenly, one Neanderthal — let’s call him “Douche-Gronk” — leaps out of bed. Douche-Gronk is a “Morning Prehuman.”
“What’s this?” thinks Douche-Gronk. “Everyone is asleep? Douche-Gronk is bored! Bored, bored, BORED!”
So Douche-Gronk decides to wake up one of my ancestors (I checked ancestry.com, and everything keeps coming up Neanderthal), “Dave-Gar.” Dave-Gar is definitely not a Morning Prehuman, and is still fast asleep.
Douche-Gronk pokes him…once…twice…three times. After the third poke, Dave-Gar grabs his club and bludgeons Douche-Gronk to death. This is good, but now Dave-Gar is awake. That is bad.
Are you a morning person? Do you like to leap out of bed with a sunny — and quite probably psychotic — smile? Then you are officially weird, and should probably seek professional help. Or just be bludgeoned to death.
If natural selection worked, we’d all be sleeping in right now. But apparently something went wrong somewhere. Maybe the Douche-Gronks were too fast, or corrective reactions were too slow due to sleepiness. Who knows. But for whatever reason, they’re still out there. And they’re making our lives miserable.
Like the clueless boss who not only gets in ridiculously early, but is at your desk asking for stuff the minute you get in. Have you ever had one of these? You’ve just spent an hour or two commuting, and you could really use a cup of coffee. And a bathroom, big time. This does not concern Clueless Boss in the slightest. “I need this done right away,” he says, which is bad enough, but it looks like he is planning on staying and watching you as you do it. Aye, aye, Captain! I’ll just soil myself and get this out right away!
But it’s not just work. Getting Up Early disease also affects leisure activities. You want me to get up at 3:30 AM on a Saturday to go fishing? That’s one idea. Here’s another idea: I’ll sleep in until noon, then I’ll go out and buy some fish. We’ll both end up with fish at about the same time, and I’ll smell better.
Church? You want me to get up early on Sunday and go to church? Thanks, but no thanks — I’ll take my chances with eternal damnation. And isn’t the Sabbath supposed to be a day of rest? On the seventh day He rested? Word from God: stay in bed.
We’ve all read the news stories about the health risks associated with not getting enough sleep. The cause? Getting up early.
Getting up early causes weight gain, immune system suppression, caffeine abuse, toxic morning breath, slurred speech, foggy mental breakdown (which also involves auditory banjo hallucinations), bad makeup, clothing dementia, and irritable brain syndrome. Most heart attacks occur in the morning, right after people look at themselves in the mirror.
Countless other people are tragically killed by people suffering from MIP (Morning-Induced Psychosis), who should never have attempted to get up early in the first place, at least without a breakfast sandwich or something.
The solution? I think it’s obvious. We all just need to STOP GETTING UP EARLY.
Okay, I guess that’s enough for now. I think I’ve made my point. If you like getting up early, you are definitely WEIRD.
In closing, I can’t speak for everyone else who hates getting up in the morning, but it does help me to not fear death. I don’t know what happens when you die — I guess none of us really does — but I do know one thing. At the very least, I will not have to get up the next morning. Ever again.
Which sounds pretty good some mornings.
