I was recently in a meeting that was scheduled for one hour, but it ended up running over two hours. That was bad enough, but the real insanity kicked in when the last 20 minutes of the meeting were spent discussing when to have the next meeting.
If you like meetings, you are most definitely weird. You want to have a meeting, just to make sure we’re all on the same page? Do you want to know what’s written on that page? It’s committal orders to an insane asylum.
I currently work for a geographically dispersed company, so we phone in to a lot of meetings. If the meeting hasn’t started yet, you are routed to something called the Intercall Lounge, where you listen to the worst music known to mankind while you wait. If there is a Hell, this would be the soundtrack. After a few minutes in the Intercall Lounge, you really start to question whether life is worth living in a world where such music exists.
Next, it’s time for another complete waste of time: roll call. This is the 21st century. I’m sure the technology exists to identify and list the people who call in for the meeting. But for some reason we still do roll call. If it’s a big corporate meeting, this is really going to take some time. You’ll be introduced to lots of people you don’t know, who you will never work with, and who have absolutely no direct bearing on your job. Even for a smaller meeting, several minutes are wasted with roll call. Who’s on the line? Who just joined? Who freaking cares? Just get on with it!
Once the meeting starts, you start to hear from the people who don’t know how to use the mute button. I have heard loud typing, coughing, belching, music, video games, and dogs barking. One woman called in while going through security at an airport (we could hear the airport announcements). I have called in to a meeting while driving in my car with my children, one of whom commented, “Way to be safe, Dad!” I once went to the bathroom while on a conference call (it was an emergency). So far I have not had sex while on a conference call, but I bet someone has. That’s where you would definitely want to double-check to make sure your phone is on mute, or the meeting would get really interesting.
Sometimes there’s a delay when people come off of mute, and this is the question that’s always asked: “Bob, were you on mute?” This is pretty stupid question, but usually people give the expected stupid answer: “Yes, I was on mute.” And for some weird reason they usually sound guilty about it. Why should anyone feel guilty about this? Look, do you want the slight delay coming back from mute, or do you want the barking dog and the bathroom noises? But the question cries out for sarcasm. Here are a few suggestions:
“Were you on mute?”
- No, I was ignoring you.
- No, I’m just trying to add some dramatic tension.
- Yes, I’m in the bathroom! Jeez!
- No, I’m on a 4 second delay because I swear a lot.
- Yes, and I’m trying to have sex! Jeez!
As to the content of the meetings, well, as Woody Allen said, ninety percent of life is showing up. Ninety percent of meetings may be a waste of time, but they expect you to show up. I usually bring my laptop and work during meetings. That way, I appear to be super busy, conscientious, and productive. And it frees up time for me to work on more important things when I get back to my desk, such as blogging and Facebook.
When you finally die after a lifetime spent in meetings, what happens? According to accounts of NDEs (Near Death Experiences), death is much like taking the subway to work. You travel through a tunnel at a high rate of speed, then emerge into the light and attend a life review meeting. God only knows how long that will take, but then you finally meet your maker. How long does that meeting last? Well, it’s pretty much like every other meeting you’ve attended. An eternity.
