Underground nuclear testing has confirmed that Barbie™ packaging is one of the most durable forms of matter in the known universe. A Bratz™ doll package was recently bombarded with dual proton beams with an energy of 7 trillion electron-volts per particle in the Large Hadron Collider. The package emerged completely unscathed, but it is believed that one of the twist-ties may have been loosened slightly.

First you have to try to get into the box, which has ingenious interlocking tabs. These tabs are so ingenious that nothing else would be required to securely package the toy, but someone has still seen fit to apply heavy duty packing tape and amazingly strong transparent adhesive discs to every seam of the box.

Once inside, you discover that every little plastic shoe, comb, etc. is encased in hardened molded plastic. The plastic mold has somehow been heat-welded to the box, which requires you to use tremendous force to pull it off. Most of the toy parts are firmly retained in the molded plastic when it goes flying across the room, but two or three are jettisoned. You’ll spend an hour or two looking for those later. But why spend the time and money to build a mold? Why not just put all of the little pieces in a little plastic bag?

Next you find approximately 3000 heavy-gauge industrial wire twist-ties securing the doll to a reinforced cardboard backing. The twisted end of each of the twist-ties has been folded down and secured to the back of the cardboard with packing tape, and in some cases covered with another layer of cardboard and packing tape. These twist-ties have apparently have been installed using a high-torque industrial twist-tie spinner, and can only be removed with pliers or wire cutters. You can try scissors, but you’ll ruin the scissors and probably cut yourself.

Finally there’s the hair, which is is secured to the box with heavy duty cellophane interwoven with some sort of advanced mono-filament mesh — possibly obtained from a crashed alien spacecraft — that retains its strength even when portions of it are cut.

And this is just for one doll. Then you have the big items — the boats, the planes, the houses, the castles. Poorly written and illustrated assembly procedures. And dozens of decals to apply. Please dear God, not the decals again! There are also ongoing maintenance tasks involving repeatedly inflating things, filling things with water, putting things in the freezer, and providing ice water and hot water to facilitate temperature-state-induced color changes.

Then we have drug packaging. Okay, a long time ago, someone messed with the Tylenol™. So I’ll acknowledge there was a packaging issue, but I think we overreacted. Opening drug packaging is difficult for normal people, and often impossible for the elderly or arthritic. There has to be a way to make it safe, but easier to open.

But what happened with the condiments? Why are the mustard and ketchup containers now sealed as if they are pharmaceutical products? Why does the chocolate syrup have not only an outer seal that requires scissors to open, but also an inner foil-plastic seal under the cap? I have not read any reports about terrorists targeting our chocolate syrup.

WARNING: THE NEXT PARAGRAPH CONTAINS EUPHEMISMS THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE  FOR ALL AUDIENCES. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Juice bags and boxes. Sometimes you can get the pointy straw to penetrate the hole, sometimes you can’t. Sometimes the pointy straw just isn’t stiff enough. You keep trying to ram it in, but it just won’t go in. Or you finally are able to cram it in, but juice flies everywhere. So you need to take a shower afterward.

Small appliances — they’re in a sealed box. Safely nestled in a Styrofoam cradle. In a plastic bag. So why does the keypad need a special plastic protector, which is so good you don’t realize it’s there? I recently bought a microwave. A few weeks went by, and I started to see weird little wrinkles on the keypad. I started to think it was the normal coating that was coming off, and I needed to call the manufacturer. Then I finally realized it was just a packaging thing I was supposed to have peeled off to begin with. But it really wasn’t necessary to begin with.

And perhaps the worst of all: DVD packaging. The outer cellophane is amazingly tough — it looks like you should be able to get a fingernail under one of the seams, but you need scissors to get through it, and you need to really bear down. Once the cellophane is off, you have to remove three adhesive strips on the seams of the box. I don’t know where they got this tape, but it’s completely diabolical. It’s like you’re somehow being punished for buying the DVD. You get an edge started, thinking you can pull the whole piece off, only to have a tiny corner tear off. Or you manage to get the first third or so off, and then it veers off to one side. That end is now messed up, so you have to start again at the other end. Thirty or forty minutes later, you’re ready to watch your DVD.

I’m guessing that if we redesigned all of this packaging for the purpose of protecting products that are being shipped in a truck or airplane — not run over by a truck or dropped from an airplane — we could see a significant decrease in retail prices. We’d have a lot more spare time on our hands to actually play with the toys with our children, enjoy the products, watch the DVDs. Life would be much better. And much less WEIRD.

“I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.”

— Mark Twain

Mark Twain would have loved Froot Loops.

Apparently Samuel Langhorne Clemens had some serious issues with spelling. He felt it was a complete waste of time and energy to correct spelling errors. I’m guessing he had the same type of English teacher I had in elementary school. Or it could actually have been the same English teacher; she could have passed for anywhere from 75 to 3500 years old. I think she may even still be teaching. Or leading the Army of the Nile against the Romans.

For 12 long years, we are strictly graded on spelling in school. We have to learn the spelling rules, and the endless exceptions to the rules. We memorize lists of words. We take spelling tests. Otherwise brilliantly composed reports lose points for spelling errors. We are forced to participate in spelling bees, a brutal competition in which a dubious correlation between spelling ability and intelligence is reinforced both ruthlessly and publicly.

And then. And then.

And then we get out of school into the world of Froot Loops, Rite Aid, and La-Z-Boy. Someone — not God — said, “Let there be lite.” And there was lite, spreading faster than the speed-o-lite. Lite beer. Lite dinner entrees. Lite ‘n’ fit yogurt. Lite pizza. Lite potato salad. Lite Brite, which manages to incorporate two non-words, and which should not be confused with Brite Life support hose or Rite Brite retainer cleaner. We even have lite music, performed by Gordon Litefoot (just kidding on that one, Gordo).

Then we have “easy.” Four letters. I’m willing to bet that most 1st graders would be able to spell “easy.” But that’s just too long for marketing purposes. People would be completely baffled. We have to go with “ez.” Ez credit repair, ez grow grass (shouldn’t that be ez gro?), ez listening music, ez storage, ez meals. The IRS even has an EZ tax form, which does not mean “easy,” but is actually an acronym for Expect Zero (refund).

There are also a lot of froots out there. Why? Because it’s just more catchy than “fruit,” darn it! Not only Froot Loops, but Froot by the Foot, the Froot Computer (Dell), the froot guard (which protects fruit), and froot smoothies. For some strange reason, it’s Fruit of the Loom and not Froot of the Loom. Frankly, there are too many froots out there, so I’m guessing it’s getting hard to differentiate your brand against the competition. I would suggest adding more “o’s.” If Froot Loops are good, just imagine how much better Frooooooot Loops would be. Much, much frooootier! Or even better, Frooooooot Looooooops. Frooooooooooooooot Loooooooooooooooops. Must…stop…now…

Well, I guess I’ve had enough of this for now. I’m going to get into my La-Z-Boy recliner, crack open a lite beer, put on some ez listening music, and just try to forget about all of this. Later on I’ll heat up a frozen entree — probably one of those lite n ez entrees that r just rite for u.

But wait. I just noticed that “lite” is officially listed on dictionary.com: “an informal, simplified spelling of light, used esp. in labeling or advertising commercial products: lite beer.”

Oh well, at least “rite” isn’t in there yet, except to describe a ceremonial ritual. So I guess I’m technically wrong on lite, but at least I’m right about rite.

To sum this up on a weird note, one of the most commonly misspelled words — other than “misspelled,” which really looks like it should have fewer S’s and L’s — is the word “weird” itself, which is commonly misspelled “wierd.” If you think that’s no big deal, it’s okay with me, but some people might think you are less intelligent. Or even WEIRD.

Just remember, it’s “I before E, except after C.” Except when sounding like A, as in “neighbor” or “weigh.” And for some reason the rule doesn’t apply to “weird.” See how EZ it is, Mark?

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall,
Very superstitious, ladders ’bout to fall,
Thirteen month old baby, broke the lookin’ glass
Seven years of bad luck, the good things in your past.

When you believe in things that you don’t understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain’t the way.

— “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder

You said it, Stevland. If you are superstitious, you are definitely weird, because it’s all a bunch of nonsense. Some less enlightened bloggers actually skip their 13th post because they think it will bring them bad luck, but not this blog.

Let’s examine some popular superstitions.

Common Superstitions

Friday the 13th

Many people believe that Friday the 13th is bad luck. Some apartments and hotels omit the 13th floor, and some airlines fly without a 13th row. It’s even rumored that Heidi Montag skipped her 13th plastic surgery.

The generally accepted theory on the origin of this one is that Judas was the 13th guest at the Last Supper and that Christ was crucified on a Friday. So only Christians need to worry about this one; Jews and Muslims can relax and go about their business on Friday the 13th. And apparently Christians really need to think before the next time they say, “TGIF!”

Walking Under a Ladder

The triangle shape of the ladder against a wall is the issue here. Anyone who has taken high school geometry knows that evil spirits live in triangles, and you awaken evil spirits when you walk through the triangle shape. If you do accidentally walk under a ladder, you can counter the bad luck by crossing your fingers, or by reciting the Pythagorean theorem.

This one would seem to make sense for practical reasons. If you walk under a ladder, the person working on the ladder might drop something. You could get hit in the head with tools, building materials, lunch wrappers, discarded chewing gum, cigarette butts, and even spit.

Breaking a Mirror

Break a mirror and according to legend it’s seven years bad luck. In the past, a mirror was believed to be a reflection of the soul, so breaking a mirror created a broken soul. If you break a mirror, you can avoid the bad luck by taking the pieces outside and burying them under a full moon.

Of course, this would only apply to people who actually have souls, so you don’t have to worry about this one if you’re a Wall Street CEO, an attorney, a politician, or an oil company executive.

Rubbing a Good Luck Charm

There’s the old reliable rabbit’s foot, gemstones, figurines of Buddha and other deities, and various other symbols, amulets, and charms that superstitious people like to rub for good luck. But for some people, the phrase “rubbing the good luck charm” has other connotations. Just saying.

Moving on, here are a few less well known superstitions:

Less Common Superstitions

Monday the 13th

Here you have the bad luck of the number 13 combined with the absolutely worst day of the week. An excellent day to stay in bed.

Breaking a CFL

It’s bad luck to break a Compact Fluorescent Light-bulb because these types of bulbs contain mercury, which is a neurotoxin. In the body, mercury disrupts cellular function at all levels. It is more toxic than lead, cadmium, arsenic, and even Rush Limbaugh.

According to experts who work for CFL manufacturers but are completely impartial, CFLs contain very small amounts of mercury, so it probably won’t kill you right away. You don’t need a Hazmat team to clean up a broken CFL. You just need to  follow a simple 16-step cleaning procedure that involves evacuating and ventilating the room, using sticky tape to pick up all fragments and powder, and vacuuming or wiping with wet paper towels or wet wipes. Then you need to put all of your cleaning materials in a sealed bag or jar, and dispose of them in a government-approved disposal facility. I drive by those all the time.

Dropping Stuff from a Ladder

Dropping stuff from a ladder is not only bad luck, it’s also downright dangerous. Unless the object you drop is heavy enough to render someone unconscious, they’re probably going to be very angry. And since they’re right there under the ladder to begin with, they might just decide to push it out from under you. So if you’re going to drop something from a ladder, make sure it’s heavy, and try to aim for the head. Otherwise you could get hurt.

Breaking a Talking Mirror

If you break a talking mirror, not only do you get the seven years bad luck, but you’ve also murdered an imaginary sentient being. Which is bad enough to begin with, but this particular imaginary sentient being is licensed to the hilt by the Walt Disney Corporation, which maintains a worldwide legal team of 350 lawyers. And they want to talk to you.

In conclusion, I guess there’s no real harm done if you  perpetuate some of these irrational beliefs. It just means you’re a little superstitious, and also a little WEIRD. All I can say is that I’ve broken mirrors, spilled salt, walked under ladders, and even opened umbrellas indoors, and nothing bad has ever happened to me as a result. I usually have a good day on Friday the 13th. And now I’ve made it all the way through blog post #13, and nothing bad has happened to me. Knock on wood.

And he said: “Son, this world is rough
And if a man’s gonna make it, he’s gotta be tough
And I knew I wouldn’t be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye
I knew you’d have to get tough or die
And it’s the name that helped to make you strong.”

He said: “Now you just fought one hell of a fight
And I know you hate me, and you got the right
To kill me now, and I wouldn’t blame you if you do.
But ya ought to thank me, before I die,
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I’m the son-of-a-bitch that named you “Sue.’”

— “A Boy Named Sue” by Johnny Cash

As the song goes, life isn’t easy for a boy named “Sue,” but it’s probably not going to be a bed of roses for “Pilot Inspektor,” “Moxie CrimeFighter,” or “Fifi Trixibell,” either. Celebrities do some weird things, and one of the weirdest is the names some of them give their children. For example:

Weird Celebrity Baby Names

• Aanisah – Macy Gray (also mother to Tahmel)
• Apple – Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow
• Astrella Celeste – Donoyvan and Linda Lawrence (also parents to Oriole Nebula)
• Atherton Grace – Don Johnson and Kelley Phleger
• Audio Science – Shannyn Sossamon
• Aurelius Cy – Elle Macpherson and Arpad Busson
• Blue Angel – U2′s The Edge and Aislinn O’Sullivan
• Bluebell Madonna – Geri Halliwell
• Calico – Alice and Sheryl Cooper (also parents to Sonora Rose)
• Camera – Arthur Ashe and Jeanne Moutoussamy
• Destry – Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw
• Diezel Ky – Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis (also parents to Denim Cole)
• Fifi Trixibell – Bob Geldof and Paula Yates (also parents to Peaches and Pixie)
• Fuchsia – Sting and Frances Tomelty
• Gaia – Emma Thompson and Greg Wise
• Gulliver – Gary Oldman and Donya Fiorentino
• Heaven – Lil’ Mo (also mother to God’Iss Love Stone)
• Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily – Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence
• Hopper – Sean Penn and Robin Wright
• Ireland – Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger
• Jaz – Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi
• Jazz Domino – Joe Strummer
• Jermajesty: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza (previously married to Jermaine’s brother Randy)
• Kal-El Coppola – Nicholas Cage (Kal-El is Superman’s original birth name)
• Kyd – David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
• Lark Song – Mia Farrow and André Previn
• Lennon – Liam Gallagher and Patsy Kensit
• Liberty – Ryan Giggs
• London Emilio – Slash
• Luna Coco Patricia – Frank Lampard and Elen Rive
• Marquise – 50 Cent
• Memphis Eve – Bono
• Moon Unit – Frank Zappa (also father to Dweezil and Diva Muffin)
• Moxie CrimeFighter – Penn Jillette (also father to Zolten)
• Ocean –Forest Whitaker (also father to Sonnet and True)
• Pilot Inspektor – Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
• Poppy Honey – Jamie and Jules Oliver (also parents to Daisy Boo)
• Prince Michael II, aka “Blanket” – Michael Jackson (referred to as “Blanket” to avoid confusion with his older brother, Prince Michael I)
• Rocket – Robert Rodriguez (also father to Racer, Rebel, and Rogue)
• Rufus Tiger – Roger Taylor (also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy)
• Saffron Sahara – Simon and Yasmin Le Bon (also parents to Amber Rose and Tallulah Pine)
• Sage Moonblood – Sylvester Stallone and Sasha Czack (also parents to Seargeoh)
• Satchel – Spike Lee and Tonya Lewis Lee
• Seven Sirius – Andre Benjamin and Erykah Badu
• Shiloh Nouvel – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
• Sosie – Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick
• Sunday Rose – Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman
• Suri –  Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
• Tallulah – Bruce Willis and Demi Moore (also parents to Scout and Rumer)
• Tu Morrow – Rob Morrow
• Willow Camille Reign – Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith
• Zola Ivy – Eddie Murphy and Nicole Mitchell

All of which leads to the question: WHY? You don’t get enough attention already? You’re an important “artist,” and you’re uber-creative every day in every way, so your kid can’t have a remotely normal name, like the rest of us unenlightened peasants? Apparently fame can really mess up your head.

Unfortunately, now that these celebrity trend-setters have modeled this new form of weird behavior, a certain segment of the population will undoubtedly feel compelled to come up with their own questionable baby names…so they, too can be cool.

But if you’re determined to burden your offspring with a “creative” moniker that they’ll have to deal with the rest of their lives, you might as well go all out. If celebrities can give their kids weird names, why not give your kid a really weird name? Here are a few suggestions, each based on a common theme:

Animals

• Annaconda
• Jorilla
• Bobster
• Mattypus
• Jimpanzee
• Katiepillar
• Leemur
• Billdebeest
• Tombat

Medications

• Annbien
• Besstrogen
• Jennadryl
• Jackitracin
• Jethromax
• Jimitrex
• Kirkocet
• Leopectate
• Rexcedrin
• Rexlax
• Roxycontin
• Tammyflu
• Timoxidil
• Zolaf

Sexually Transmitted Diseases

• Pamydia
• Johnorrhea
• Herbes
• Jeffatitis
• SyPhyllis

If you’re determined to give your child a weird name, that should get you started. Feel free to use any of these names for your baby, but please don’t tell little Jimpanzee or Jennadryl where you got the idea. I don’t need someone looking for me in a bar in Gatlinburg twenty years from now.

To begin with, have you ever taken a close look at the liquid in the gas station squeegee holder? It’s that sickening grey-brown-purple(?) color you get when all the colors have mixed together in a watercolor rinse cup, or when you leave Froot Loops in the milk for several hours (kids: go ahead and try this at home). What exactly is this mystery fluid? Do they ever clean it? Does the EPA know about it? Do you really want to wash your car with it?

The other day I was at a gas station waiting for an inspection sticker. A woman pulled in and filled up her car with gas, then she grabbed the squeegee and used it to clean her windshield. And then her back window. And then her side windows. And then her side mirrors. So far, so good. You need to be able to see where you’re going and what’s coming at you. You go, girl.

But then she went on to squeegee-clean the front quarter panels, the front doors, the back doors, and the rear quarter panels. This required 1-2 trips back to the squeegee-holder-bucket-thingy to re-wet the sponge for each section of the car. For some reason she didn’t do the roof, the hood, the top of the trunk, or the bumpers. Maybe she was getting too cold at that point.

Luckily for her, no one was in line waiting to buy gas while she spent 10 minutes washing her car with the squeegee. I’m guessing that if you try this type of thing with someone waiting in line behind you, you’re probably going to start to hear about it shortly after you finish with the glass and move onto the body. Maybe even before you finish the glass, depending on who’s behind you and what kind of day they’re having. Most of us draw the line at the windshield and rear window. It certainly seems like the potential is there for things to get ugly.

So in the interest of public safety, and to conform with generally accepted gas station etiquette, you should probably try to adhere to the following squeegee guidelines.

If someone is in line behind you waiting to buy gas, please just squeegee the glass and move it on out. But if there’s no one in line behind you, and the gas station owner doesn’t start yelling at you, and you don’t mind washing you car with toxic Love Canal water, please feel free to go to town with the squeegee. You’ll definitely be doing something WEIRD, but you won’t be causing any real harm, other than to your car’s finish.  But try not to get any of that stuff on your skin.

Ink-stained wench

A significant percentage of us guys think that tattoos detract from a woman’s looks. When we see an attractive woman with tattoos, we are repelled rather than intrigued. Our reaction does not involve an appreciation of the artistic merits of the skin illustrations, or curiosity about what wanton personality traits the tattoos might indicate. Our reaction is more along the lines of, “Oh, that’s a shame…someone drew stuff all over her…she’s permanently stained.”

Oh, the humanity!

Take Angelina Jolie, for example. A beautiful woman, but she has weird stuff tattooed all over her body. But at least she’s left her cleavage alone. So far…

Tattoos on an arm or a leg? Not so bad; I can usually pretty much ignore those. Tattoos on the lower back, just above the butt crack? Sorry, that kind of grosses me out.

But on the cleavage? Tattoos on the cleavage?  What in God’s name are you thinking? Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, this is sacred ground. Breasts are precious natural treasures. You simply do not draw stuff on precious natural treasures. It’s like spray painting graffiti on the Grand Canyon.

Why mess with a good thing?

Cleavage is naturally beautiful and perfect in its natural, unadorned state. There is no need to attempt to improve on perfection. Ask any man, and a certain percentage of women. We are drawn to cleavage like moths to a flame. If you put a television set right next to a display of cleavage, we would watch the cleavage…unless there was a television show on that featured lots of cleavage, in which case our eyes would tend to dart back and forth.

So there is absolutely no need to tattoo your cleavage. For the love of God, leave it be! It’s perfectly fine the way it is. If you tattoo your cleavage you will ruin it for everyone, or at least everyone who thinks like me. And if you then proceed to prominently display your tattooed cleavage, you will also be officially WEIRD. But feel free to keep that regular cleavage coming…

Then you get out there and spastically flail away for a few hours, sweating like a pig in the hot sun, lying about your score, swearing and throwing your golf clubs as you drive the ball into the rough, into traps, into the trees, into other golfers, and maybe eventually into a little hole in the ground. To quote Major Clipton at the conclusion of The Bridge on the River Kwai: “Madness! Madness!”

But watching golf on television? You have to get home to watch golf on television? Now that, my friend, is weird.

You have to get home to watch a large group of people watch a much smaller group of people walk around and hit little balls with sticks? To watch golf balls flying through the air, and then watch instant replays of the same balls flying through the air? To listen to long, boring discussions about the golf course, the types of grass used on the golf course, the types of clubs used depending on the particular situation, the relative humidity, or the amount of goose poop on the fairway? To watch the spectators do weird little golf claps, emit strange “oohs” and “aahs,” and shout sketchy things like, “Get in there!”?

Even if you’re weird enough to play golf to begin with, at least you’re outside doing something, as opposed to sitting on your backside in front of the television all afternoon.

And watching golf on TV is spectacularly boring! Could anything possibly be more boring to watch than a televised golf tournament? The commercials are more interesting than the golf. If they’re televising golf, why not televise other incredibly boring activities? New, this fall:

• Guys Paint my House
• Fish Tank!
  
• Professional Knitting
• Cloud Watchers
  
• Nursing Home Rec Rooms
  
• Vacuuming!

You might just as well televise nose-picking:

Announcer: We’re here at the 44th annual Nose Am tournament speaking with three-time Nose-Masters champion Bill Picker. Bill, I noticed you decided to go with your pinkie on the second hole…

Picker: That’s right.

Announcer: Can you tell us why?

Picker: Well, on this hole I was dealing with a tough little booger that was stuck in the rough way up the nostril. I usually prefer the index finger on the second hole, but I could tell that wasn’t the way to go this time.

Announcer: So that’s when you switched to the pinkie.

Picker: Yep.

Announcer: And then you put it in your nostril.

Picker: Uh-huh.

Announcer: Can you tell the folks watching at home what happened next, even though they just watched it a couple of minutes ago?

Picker: Well Sir, I snagged that booger on the first try!

Announcer: A hole-in-one! Spectacular! What’s your secret?

Picker: Well, there are a couple of things…

Announcer: Yes?

Picker: Grow your fingernails long.

Announcer: And?

Picker: Two words: dry fingers.

Well, I’m off to film a couple of pilots to pitch to the networks. And I like my chances, because apparently the bar is set very low, my friends, very low.

If you like watching golf on television, please feel free to continue. At the very least it indicates that you are easily amused, and you may perhaps be somewhat brain-dead. And it definitely classifies you as WEIRD.

But please keep watching your TV listings for my new show: Turtle Ranchers!

“I woke up and passed the biggest, longest, and nastiest piece of stuff I had ever seen!” — testimonial from the DrNatura colon cleanser website.

“Just this last week something came out of my body that was disgusting. I could not believe this stuff…was inside of me. I almost got sick to see this. What a relief that I am getting rid of this problem.”
– another testimonial from DrNatura.

I don’t know who is responsible for writing the content on the DrNatura colon cleanser website, but in my opinion they should win some sort of an award for advertising copy. Maybe even a Pulitzer. “How would you feel if long pieces of old toxin-filled fecal matter were stuck to the inside of your colon for months?” Jeez, pretty awful I guess, oh bard of the bowels. “As the old expression goes, death begins in the colon.” Okay, that’s a new one on me…for example, I thought you could die from brain cancer…so you’re saying it starts in the colon and then shoots right up to the brain? I guess you learn something new every day!

Every day I get emails promoting colon cleansing products. A Google search for “colon cleanser” returns 4,460,000 results. Apparently there’s a significant amount of interest in colon cleansers, and therefore a significant market. There’s money in them there colons!

The main gist of most of the advertising for colon cleansers seems to revolve around two tried and true marketing themes:

• Lose weight. Weight loss always sells to begin with, and colon cleansers hold the promise of losing weight without having to diet or exercise. You just need to set aside a couple of days for going to the bathroom.
• Avoid bloating, pain, fatigue, indigestion, constipation, and death.
  

Lose weight without dieting? Avoid constipation and death? I’m convinced! What? There’s more? You say your product is endorsed by Oprah? THE Oprah? And Dr. Oz? And Rachel Ray? And Paris Hilton? Beyonce? Gwyneth Paltrow? Megan Fox? Anne Hathaway? Britney Spears? My head is just spinning!

So is all this for real? Well, generally I try to avoid vulgarity, but this seems appropriate given the subject matter: It’s all a bunch of crap.

Let’s start with the medical aspect. Is it necessary to cleanse your colon? Absolutely not, according to The Mayo Clinic and Web MD. There is no particular benefit to be gained by cleansing your colon, and significant potential for harm. Your digestive system is designed to naturally eliminate bodily waste without colonic irrigation, herbal supplements, or anything else. It’s good to go. Furthermore, colon cleansing is just unnatural. If God had meant for us to flush our colons, he would have put a little handle down there somewhere.

Here’s one of the precautions recommended by the Mayo Clinic regarding colonic irrigation: “Make sure your colon-cleansing practitioner uses disposable equipment that hasn’t been previously used.” I don’t know about you, but if I have to ask this question going in, I don’t think I’m going in. Or they’re going in…

And as to the celebrity recommendations? Oprah and Dr. Oz absolutely DO NOT sponsor or endorse Acai Berry or any other herbal colon cleanser. Not only that, they recently filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against 40 Internet marketers of dietary supplements, including Acai Berry and other colon cleansers, for falsely claiming that they endorse these products. They have angered Oprah, and now they will pay dearly.

It’s all just a scam, so let us not waste any more words on waste. But perhaps some good can come from all this obsession with colon cleansers. You could use it as an excuse to get out of social engagements: “Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m flushing my colon this weekend.” Some people may think you are weird. But at least you won’t have to go to that lame party.

As with the digestive process, this article must come to an end. If you still feel the need to flush your colon, go ahead. It’s a free country. And it’s your colon. But it probably means that you are WEIRD. Just be careful, okay?

And don’t forget to wash your hands!

This may sound strange to some of you, but other people do not like to step in whatever mucus, spittle, slaver, sputum, phlegm, or other discharge that you feel the need to expectorate on the sidewalk. In Singapore, the penalty for spitting in public is a $600 fine, which starts to sound pretty good if you’ve stepped in someone else’s spit a few times.

Spitting was an accepted part of everyday life back in the Middle Ages, but then again, so was the plague. Atypical pneumonia, tuberculosis, and other fun diseases can be transmitted by spitting. Spitting generally fell out of favor after the Middle Ages, until chewing tobacco became popular in the 19th century, when men would gather together to watch each other spew dark brown juice into spittoons. Good times, good times.

“America is one long expectoration” — Oscar Wilde on his first visit to the United States, 1882.

Chewing tobacco fell out of favor in the United States after the 1918 flu epidemic and concerns about hygiene. Also, no one wanted to clean the spittoons.

All was quiet on the spitting front until baseball players started it up again. Somehow chewing tobacco became a baseball tradition, a tradition that features not only constant spitting, but also nicotine addiction and cancer. Some players have switched to chewing sunflower seeds, which is healthier, but which also results in players continuously spitting out the shells.

What woman could resist this?

A baseball game is basically one long spitting marathon. Televised games feature lots of close-ups of players in the dugout, so we get to see details of each player’s personal chewing and spitting techniques. There are the slow chewers,  the big juicy spitters, the spastic dribblers, and the bubble-gum blowers. It’s just one long oral fixation. Dude, I think you have a sunflower seed stuck to your chin.

Why do baseball players chew all this stuff? To relieve tension? If you have a guaranteed multi-million dollar contract, just exactly what do you have to be tense about? Whether to buy the penthouse condo or the suburban mansion? What pieces of bling best match your uniform? Whether or not you can get the Escalade in that special color you wanted?

Thanks mainly to baseball, spitting has made a big comeback. Somehow the following message has been delivered: if you are a boy or man, and you play sports, you are supposed to spit. Even if you do not play sports, you are supposed to spit. If you are with a group of your friends, even if you are not playing a sport, you are supposed to spit. If you are by yourself, you are supposed to spit. If you have a Y chromosome, you are supposed to spit.

Trust me on this, guys. Okay, don’t trust me — check out this post on Yahoo Answers. Women do not like men who spit. They think it’s gross. A total turn-off.

Anecdotally, I knew a guy in college who chewed tobacco all the time. He used to carry an empty 32 ounce plastic Sprite bottle with him everywhere he went in which to spit. The chewing and spitting in the green plastic bottle was bad enough to begin with, and things just got worse as the bottle filled up. Needless to say, he did not have a steady girlfriend.

Unfortunately, it looks like spitting is here to stay. That doesn’t make it right. If you like spitting, you are not only rude, but also WEIRD.

The Maassai people of Africa spit on one another as a form of greeting and farewell. So in closing, I’d just like to leave you with this: “phbbtttttt…ptui!”

This versatile graphic could represent toilet paper, eyes, or even breasts.

If you care about which way the toilet paper roll is installed, you are definitely weird. But apparently you also have plenty of company.

According to a survey at The Toilet Paper Encyclopedia website — which is pretty weird in and of itself — 68% of the weird people who took the survey prefer to hang toilet paper with the sheets coming out over the roll, with 25% preferring the sheets coming out under the roll. That adds up to 93%, so I’m not sure what happened with the other 7% who took the survey, since this would seem to be an either-or type of question.

Google search results for the phrase “toilet paper over or under” confirm that there are lots of weird people out there who have taken the time to think about and weigh in with all sorts of rationalizations on this issue:

• Installing the toilet paper “under” may prevent toddlers or cats from pulling all of the paper off the roll.
• Installing the toilet paper “over” lets it hang freely, making it easier to tear off.
• Installing the paper “under” makes it more difficult to get more than a couple of sheets at a time, thus conserving paper.
• Installing the paper “over” makes it easier to locate and restart a sheet.
• People who install toilet paper “under” are ignorant, imbecilic half-wits incapable of basic hygiene.
• People who install toilet paper “over” are anal-obsessive, addle-brained Neanderthals who can barely manage to wipe themselves.

Even weirder than people who take the time to think about this issue are those people who get militant about it. These Toilet Paper Nazis actually believe  they have the God-given right to flip toilet paper that is not installed according to their preference.

When visiting friends or relatives, do you flip the toilet paper to conform with your preferred orientation? If so, I just have to ask: what are you THINKING? Are you completely INSANE? Do you also rearrange their furniture, make them put on different outfits, rename their children and pets? Where is your sense of propriety?

And do you have any idea how dangerous toilet paper flipping can be? There are a lot of weird people out there, and reactions can range from mild consternation all the way up to psychotic rage and violent attack. Is toilet paper alignment really worth dying for?

Apparently people have faced divorce, friendships have been ruined, and families have been torn apart over the “over” vs. “under” issue.  Therefore, as a public service, here are a few suggestions to help you cope when a friend or loved one disagrees with you about toilet paper alignment:

• Recognize that it doesn’t really matter, let them have their way, and get on with your life.
• Don’t argue — just keep flipping the toilet paper every time you use the bathroom. Over a period of months or years, the situation will work itself out. Or not.
• Set up a monthly toilet paper schedule: “over” on even days, “under” on odd days.
• Install two toilet paper holders side-by-side in each bathroom; one for “over,” one for “under.”
• Rotate the toilet paper dispenser 90 degrees, so that the roll is installed vertically, thus eliminating the over vs. under debate. But realize that this will likely lead to arguments over “clockwise” vs. “counterclockwise.”
• Just get a bidet and be done with it!

I hope this has been helpful. And I hope you realize that if you care about how toilet paper is installed, you are officially WEIRD.

You should also try to understand that, in the end, “over” and “under” are really just complementary opposites within a greater whole. Or greater roll. Or something…

The yin and yang of toilet paper -- "over" and "under" ultimately give rise to each other. We are one.