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#8 Colon Cleansing

Sep 3rd, 2009 by dhoyle

“I woke up and passed the biggest, longest, and nastiest piece of stuff I had ever seen!” — testimonial from the DrNatura colon cleanser website.

“Just this last week something came out of my body that was disgusting. I could not believe this stuff…was inside of me. I almost got sick to see this. What a relief that I am getting rid of this problem.”
– another testimonial from DrNatura.

I don’t know who is responsible for writing the content on the DrNatura colon cleanser website, but in my opinion they should win some sort of an award for advertising copy. Maybe even a Pulitzer. “How would you feel if long pieces of old toxin-filled fecal matter were stuck to the inside of your colon for months?” Jeez, pretty awful I guess, oh bard of the bowels. “As the old expression goes, death begins in the colon.” Okay, that’s a new one on me…for example, I thought you could die from brain cancer…so you’re saying it starts in the colon and then shoots right up to the brain? I guess you learn something new every day!

Every day I get emails promoting colon cleansing products. A Google search for “colon cleanser” returns 4,460,000 results. Apparently there’s a significant amount of interest in colon cleansers, and therefore a significant market. There’s money in them there colons!

The main gist of most of the advertising for colon cleansers seems to revolve around two tried and true marketing themes:

  • Lose weight. Weight loss always sells to begin with, and colon cleansers hold the promise of losing weight without having to diet or exercise. You just need to set aside a couple of days for going to the bathroom.
  • Avoid bloating, pain, fatigue, indigestion, constipation, and death.

Lose weight without dieting? Avoid constipation and death? I’m convinced! What? There’s more? You say your product is endorsed by Oprah? THE Oprah? And Dr. Oz? And Rachel Ray? And Paris Hilton? Beyonce? Gwyneth Paltrow? Megan Fox? Anne Hathaway? Britney Spears? My head is just spinning!

So is all this for real? Well, generally I try to avoid vulgarity, but this seems appropriate given the subject matter: It’s all a bunch of crap.

Let’s start with the medical aspect. Is it necessary to cleanse your colon? Absolutely not, according to The Mayo Clinic and Web MD. There is no particular benefit to be gained by cleansing your colon, and significant potential for harm. Your digestive system is designed to naturally eliminate bodily waste without colonic irrigation, herbal supplements, or anything else. It’s good to go. Furthermore, colon cleansing is just unnatural. If God had meant for us to flush our colons, he would have put a little handle down there somewhere.

Here’s one of the precautions recommended by the Mayo Clinic regarding colonic irrigation: “Make sure your colon-cleansing practitioner uses disposable equipment that hasn’t been previously used.” I don’t know about you, but if I have to ask this question going in, I don’t think I’m going in. Or they’re going in…

And as to the celebrity recommendations? Oprah and Dr. Oz absolutely DO NOT sponsor or endorse Acai Berry or any other herbal colon cleanser. Not only that, they recently filed a trademark infringement lawsuit against 40 Internet marketers of dietary supplements, including Acai Berry and other colon cleansers, for falsely claiming that they endorse these products. They have angered Oprah, and now they will pay dearly.

It’s all just a scam, so let us not waste any more words on waste. But perhaps some good can come from all this obsession with colon cleansers. You could use it as an excuse to get out of social engagements: “Sorry, I can’t make it. I’m flushing my colon this weekend.” Some people may think you are weird. But at least you won’t have to go to that lame party.

As with the digestive process, this article must come to an end. If you still feel the need to flush your colon, go ahead. It’s a free country. And it’s your colon. But it probably means that you are WEIRD. Just be careful, okay?

And don’t forget to wash your hands!

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#7 Spitting

Aug 28th, 2009 by dhoyle

I’ll just come right on out and say it: if you like to spit, and you don’t see anything wrong with spitting in public, you are weird. Unless you are an annoyed camel or an enraged cat, there is no excuse for spitting.

This may sound strange to some of you, but other people do not like to step in whatever mucus, spittle, slaver, sputum, phlegm, or other discharge that you feel the need to expectorate on the sidewalk. In Singapore, the penalty for spitting in public is a $600 fine, which starts to sound pretty good if you’ve stepped in someone else’s spit a few times.

Spitting was an accepted part of everyday life back in the Middle Ages, but then again, so was the plague. Atypical pneumonia, tuberculosis, and other fun diseases can be transmitted by spitting. Spitting generally fell out of favor after the Middle Ages, until chewing tobacco became popular in the 19th century, when men would gather together to watch each other spew dark brown juice into spittoons. Good times, good times.

“America is one long expectoration” — Oscar Wilde on his first visit to the United States, 1882.

Chewing tobacco fell out of favor in the United States after the 1918 flu epidemic and concerns about hygiene. Also, no one wanted to clean the spittoons.

All was quiet on the spitting front until baseball players started it up again. Somehow chewing tobacco became a baseball tradition, a tradition that features not only constant spitting, but also nicotine addiction and cancer. Some players have switched to chewing sunflower seeds, which is healthier, but which also results in players continuously spitting out the shells.

Dip_in_mouth

What woman could resist this?

A baseball game is basically one long spitting marathon. Televised games feature lots of close-ups of players in the dugout, so we get to see details of each player’s personal chewing and spitting techniques. There are the slow chewers,  the big juicy spitters, the spastic dribblers, and the bubble-gum blowers. It’s just one long oral fixation. Dude, I think you have a sunflower seed stuck to your chin.

Why do baseball players chew all this stuff? To relieve tension? If you have a guaranteed multi-million dollar contract, just exactly what do you have to be tense about? Whether to buy the penthouse condo or the suburban mansion? What pieces of bling best match your uniform? Whether or not you can get the Escalade in that special color you wanted?

Thanks mainly to baseball, spitting has made a big comeback. Somehow the following message has been delivered: if you are a boy or man, and you play sports, you are supposed to spit. Even if you do not play sports, you are supposed to spit. If you are with a group of your friends, even if you are not playing a sport, you are supposed to spit. If you are by yourself, you are supposed to spit. If you have a Y chromosome, you are supposed to spit.

Trust me on this, guys. Okay, don’t trust me — check out this post on Yahoo Answers. Women do not like men who spit. They think it’s gross. A total turn-off.

Anecdotally, I knew a guy in college who chewed tobacco all the time. He used to carry an empty 32 ounce plastic Sprite bottle with him everywhere he went in which to spit. The chewing and spitting in the green plastic bottle was bad enough to begin with, and things just got worse as the bottle filled up. Needless to say, he did not have a steady girlfriend.

Unfortunately, it looks like spitting is here to stay. That doesn’t make it right. If you like spitting, you are not only rude, but also WEIRD.

The Maassai people of Africa spit on one another as a form of greeting and farewell. So in closing, I’d just like to leave you with this: “phbbtttttt…ptui!”

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#6 Caring About the Toilet Paper — Over vs. Under

Aug 24th, 2009 by dhoyle

Let’s get this out of the way to begin with: it absolutely does not matter whether the toilet paper roll is installed with the sheets coming out over the roll or under the roll. I think most of us — at least those of us who are not weird — can agree with that on a purely rational level.

This versatile graphic could represent toilet paper, eyes, or even breasts.

This versatile graphic could represent toilet paper, eyes, or even breasts.

If you care about which way the toilet paper roll is installed, you are definitely weird. But apparently you also have plenty of company.

According to a survey at The Toilet Paper Encyclopedia website — which is pretty weird in and of itself — 68% of the weird people who took the survey prefer to hang toilet paper with the sheets coming out over the roll, with 25% preferring the sheets coming out under the roll. That adds up to 93%, so I’m not sure what happened with the other 7% who took the survey, since this would seem to be an either-or type of question.

Google search results for the phrase “toilet paper over or under” confirm that there are lots of weird people out there who have taken the time to think about and weigh in with all sorts of rationalizations on this issue:

  • Installing the toilet paper “under” may prevent toddlers or cats from pulling all of the paper off the roll.
  • Installing the toilet paper “over” lets it hang freely, making it easier to tear off.
  • Installing the paper “under” makes it more difficult to get more than a couple of sheets at a time, thus conserving paper.
  • Installing the paper “over” makes it easier to locate and restart a sheet.
  • People who install toilet paper “under” are ignorant, imbecilic half-wits incapable of basic hygiene.
  • People who install toilet paper “over” are anal-obsessive, addle-brained Neanderthals who can barely manage to wipe themselves.

Even weirder than people who take the time to think about this issue are those people who get militant about it. These Toilet Paper Nazis actually believe  they have the God-given right to flip toilet paper that is not installed according to their preference.

When visiting friends or relatives, do you flip the toilet paper to conform with your preferred orientation? If so, I just have to ask: what are you THINKING? Are you completely INSANE? Do you also rearrange their furniture, make them put on different outfits, rename their children and pets? Where is your sense of propriety?

And do you have any idea how dangerous toilet paper flipping can be? There are a lot of weird people out there, and reactions can range from mild consternation all the way up to psychotic rage and violent attack. Is toilet paper alignment really worth dying for?

Apparently people have faced divorce, friendships have been ruined, and families have been torn apart over the “over” vs. “under” issue.  Therefore, as a public service, here are a few suggestions to help you cope when a friend or loved one disagrees with you about toilet paper alignment:

  • Recognize that it doesn’t really matter, let them have their way, and get on with your life.
  • Don’t argue — just keep flipping the toilet paper every time you use the bathroom. Over a period of months or years, the situation will work itself out. Or not.
  • Set up a monthly toilet paper schedule: “over” on even days, “under” on odd days.
  • Install two toilet paper holders side-by-side in each bathroom; one for “over,” one for “under.”
  • Rotate the toilet paper dispenser 90 degrees, so that the roll is installed vertically, thus eliminating the over vs. under debate. But realize that this will likely lead to arguments over “clockwise” vs. “counterclockwise.”
  • Just get a bidet and be done with it!

I hope this has been helpful. And I hope you realize that if you care about how toilet paper is installed, you are officially WEIRD.

You should also try to understand that, in the end, “over” and “under” are really just complementary opposites within a greater whole. Or greater roll. Or something…

The yin and yang of toilet paper -- "over" and "under" ultimately give rise to each other. We are one.

The yin and yang of toilet paper -- "over" and "under" ultimately give rise to each other. We are one.

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#5 Asking Questions

Aug 22nd, 2009 by dhoyle

It has been said that there is no such thing as a stupid question. I beg to differ. Consider the following scenarios:

SCENARIO 1

You are at a restaurant with a group of people. The waiter has just finished reciting the specials, and asks if anyone has any questions. The answer that everyone is hoping for here is, “no,” so you can go ahead and place your order. But unfortunately you are dining with someone weird who likes to ask questions, so it goes something like this:

Waiter: So, does anyone have any questions?

Weird Diner: What’s the tomato soup like?

Waiter: Well, it’s a soup. Made from tomatoes.

Weird Diner: Is it hot?

Waiter: Yes, we do heat the soup.

Weird Diner: No, I mean: is it spicy?

Waiter: No, it’s fairly mild. I think you’d like it.

Weird Diner: Okay…I’ll have to think about it.

Waiter: Well, if there are no other questions…

Weird Diner: If I order the Baked Scrod, can I get it without breadcrumbs?

Waiter: Certainly!

Weird Diner: And can I get french fries instead of the baked potato?

Waiter: Yup!

Weird Diner: And could I get a salad instead of the mixed vegetables?

Waiter: Sure…

Weird Diner: But is the fish fresh? They say you should only order fish on Friday, and this is Wednesday.

Waiter: I’m sure it’s very fresh. Would you like to place your order now?

Weird Diner: Well…would it be possible to substitute chicken for the scrod?

Waiter: Um…I think so…I’ll just go check on that.

The waiter deliberately does not return for twenty minutes, hoping that the Weird Diner and the rest of your group will be too hungry to ask any more annoying questions. Unfortunately, the opposite occurs. The Weird Diner spends the time looking at the menu and thinking up even more questions. Facing starvation, you are ultimately forced to kill the Weird Diner.

SCENARIO 2

You are in a college American Literature class. The instructor has just wrapped up an excruciatingly dull lecture on Nathaniel Hawthorne. During the lecture, time has slowed, then seemingly stopped completely. Several students around you have dozed off. You yourself fell into a comatose state, left your body, and traveled at the speed of light down a long tunnel toward a bright light. After the Nathaniel Hawthorne lecture, you welcomed death, but The Light made you return to your body.

The professor asks if anyone has any questions. With the lecture apparently over, you silently thank God and gather your things to leave. But unfortunately you have someone weird in your class. Someone who likes to ask questions.

The weird student spends a full five minutes asking a question. Something about how Hawthorne’s transcendentalist beliefs affected his relationship with Ralph Waldo Emerson — it’s so convoluted that no one can really follow it. Except for the professor, who nods attentively and then spends fifteen minutes answering the question. By then you have fallen back into a coma and returned to the tunnel and The Light. Thankfully, this time The Light lets you stay.

SCENARIO 3

Two soldiers are disarming an unexploded bomb. One soldier is a staff sergeant with years of experience disarming unexploded ordnance. The other is a weird soldier who likes to ask a lot of questions.

Sergeant: Hold this blue wire.

Weird Soldier: The light blue wire or the dark blue wire?

Sergeant: This one! The one I’m holding, you idiot!

Weird Soldier: Well, you don’t have to shout!

Sergeant: Okay, I need you to be very quiet now.

Weird Soldier: How come?

Sergeant: Because I need to hear that humming sound.

Weird Soldier: What humming sound? I can’t hear anything!

Sergeant: The humming sound in the bomb, you idiot! Look, here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to cut the red wire. If the humming sound stops after I cut the red wire, the bomb is disarmed and we’re all set. If the humming sound doesn’t stop after I cut the red wire, we have exactly 20 seconds until the bomb detonates.

Weird Soldier: Do you mean the dark red wire or the light red wire?

Sergeant: This one! The one I’m holding! Look, just shut up and pass me the wire cutter.

Weird Soldier: I still can’t hear the humming sound.

Sergeant: YOU don’t have to hear anything! You just need to shut up so I can cut the red wire. Is that clear?

Weird Soldier: Sure!

Sergeant: Okay, here goes!

Weird Soldier: Did you cut the wire?

Sergeant: YES! Now, SHUT UP! I can’t tell if it’s humming or not!

Weird Soldier: Well, I can’t tell either. But I couldn’t hear it to begin with! Can you hear it?

Sergeant: NO!!! NOW SHUT UP!!!

Weird Soldier: I still can’t hear it! Can you hear it? Do you think we should start running now?

[At this point the bomb explodes, killing them both instantly.]

If any of this sounds familiar, you might want to ask yourself this question: “Am I asking too many questions?” If they answer is, “yes,” you might want to tone it down a notch or two. Because you might be asking too many questions. And you just might be WEIRD.

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#4 Auto Racing

Aug 21st, 2009 by dhoyle

Auto racing (also known as automobile racing, motor racing, or car racing) is a motorsport involving racing cars. — Wikipedia

Thank goodness for Wikipedia! Now that we’ve gotten that explanation out of the way, let’s move on.

al_gore

For shame!

Environmentally, auto racing is a disaster. It’s not so much the fossil fuels burned during the race as it is the massive carbon footprint of one hundred thousand fans driving to watch a typical NASCAR race. What would Al Gore say? Okay, who cares what Al Gore would say, but I think you see the point.

Then there’s the race itself. I assume it’s pretty exciting if you’re a driver, and you have to avoid collisions while tailgating other cars at 200-plus miles per hour. And I guess it’s probably exciting to be on a pit crew, if you think it’s exciting to change tires really, really quickly.

But  for the fans? You’re basically sitting there in the hot sun watching cars go around a track again and again and again and again. Up to 500 times. In the same direction. Even with the addition of beer consumption, this gets old after a while.

Now we're talking!

Now you're talking!

That’s why racing fans secretly hope for the one thing the drivers fear the most: a crash. A really BIG crash, with multiple cars flipping end-over-end, smashing into walls, smashing into each other, flaming wreckage and human body parts flying everywhere, with loose wheels rocketing into the crowd, fatally injuring spectators. We’re talking about a chain reaction apocalypse of death and destruction that doesn’t stop until the track runs red and black with spilled blood and motor oil. Then you’ve got yourself a race!

Along those lines, here are a few suggestions to make auto racing more interesting:

  • Make the cars race while towing campers filled with explosives.
  • Have half of the cars go around the track in one direction, and the other half of the cars go around the track in the opposite direction. You’d still have the usual excitement of competitive racing, but with the added challenge of avoiding high-speed head-on collisions.
  • Put all of the bathrooms in the center of the race track. Access to the bathrooms would be via crosswalks across the track — without pedestrian lights. And give away free beer.
  • Organize a cross-country race in which drivers get points for killing pedestrians. Wait, I think someone may have thought of that one already…

Then there’s drag racing, which does not involve men in women’s clothing, although I suppose it could, but which is a motorsport in which two vehicles race side by side for a short distance. Then at the end a little parachute pops out of the back of each car, which is just adorable. There are no turns, so the steering doesn’t seem to be too much of a challenge. The only thing the drivers have to avoid is stepping on the gas too quickly, which would cause the car’s wheels to spin and smoke rather than gain traction. This seems like something anyone could pick up pretty quickly. And for the fans? Well, I guess you have to really like the smell of burning rubber, or the sound of the engines, or the cute little parachutes, or the way the cars go straight down the track. Again and again.

To conclude, please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against auto racing or racing fans. I’m not like those elitist snobs who think people who like auto racing are all inbred, low-life, white trash, tobacco-chewing, beer-guzzling, K-mart shopping, trailer park rednecks. I would never say that, especially since a lot of racing fans own guns. But I do think you’re a little WEIRD.

Okay, auto racing may not be all bad...

Okay, racing may not be ALL bad...

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#3 Writing Letters to the Editor

Aug 20th, 2009 by dhoyle

It has been said that one sure sign of insanity is writing letters to the editor. This is absolutely true. If you write letters to the editor, you are at the very least weird, and quite probably mentally disturbed.

Weird people write letters to the editor for a wide variety of reasons, including:

  • Uncontrollable, anal-retentive self-righteousness.
  • To compensate for low self-esteem.
  • As a desperate plea for attention.
  • Because the voices in their head tell them to.

Here is an actual letter to the editor that appeared in the September, 2009 issue of National Geographic magazine, in reference to an article about the Arctic oil rush:

“Your article mentioned that Barrow, Alaska is the northernmost town in North America. Aren’t Sachs Harbour, Resolute, and Grise Ford, Canada, all located farther north than Barrow? I’ve seen these places described as hamlets, but I don’t know if they are officially towns, villages, or something else. Is this just an issue of semantics?”

For the love of God, WHO CARES? Okay, maybe the people who live in Sachs Harbour, Resolute, or Grise Ford could possibly bring themselves to care about this issue, but the person who wrote this letter lives in New York, and is therefore completely insane. And apparently so are the editors at National Geographic, who not only published this madman’s letter to begin with, but also saw fit to research, compose, and publish the following response:

The communities mentioned are so small they are not considered towns. Sachs Harbour and Grise Ford, for example, have populations of only about a hundred residents each.

Whew, thanks for clearing that up — now I can sleep at night! However, I don’t think the National Geographic editors are really helping this person with that type of response. I would have gone with something more along the lines of this:

The communities mentioned are most likely figments of your imagination. This is not so much an issue of semantics, but has more to do with obsessive compulsive disorder and delusional thinking — yours. We would also like to point out that you live in New York, not Alaska. There are lots and lots of things to see and do in New York. We suggest that you try to get out more often, stop spending so much time thinking about Alaska, and we strongly urge you to seek professional help. And if you ever say anything about Barrow again, we will come to your apartment and beat you to within an inch of your life.

The deranged people who write letters to the editor do so with the deluded expectation that other people will think they are:

  • Intelligent and well-read.
  • Attentive to detail.
  • Someone important others should listen to.
  • A well-rounded, mature, erudite commentator.

But in reality, most people think someone who writes a letter to the editor is:

  • A pretentious, elitist egomaniac.
  • A hyper-critical, anal-retentive harpy.
  • A pompous blowhard who should be completely ignored.
  • A raving lunatic who is probably dangerous.

So there you have it. If you absolutely feel you must write a letter to the editor, don’t say we didn’t warn you. And please — get some help!

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#2 Watching Fishing Shows on TV

Aug 19th, 2009 by dhoyle

Even weirder than people who like to go fishing are people who like to watch television programs about fishing, such as The American Sportsman. The cruel thing about this program was that people seemed to have fun and actually catch fish, neither of which happens in real life.

Check out my rod.

Check out my rod.

The American Sportsman was a television series hosted by Curt Gowdy. Each week, Curt would take a celebrity hunting or fishing, and a film crew would record the action.

Here is an excerpt from an episode that featured Gowdy on a fly fishing trip to a remote lake in Montana with celebrity guest Andy Griffith:

Curt Gowdy: Just look at this lake.

Andy Griffith: Yup, it sure is a fine lake. Yessir, just fine.

Curt Gowdy: And it’s really remote…no one around for miles. Nice and private…

Andy Griffith (glancing nervously at Curt): Yup, I guess it’s quiet alright…

Curt Gowdy (briefly touching Andy’s leg): I hope I get a big one today!

Andy Griffith (looking more closely at Curt): You mean a fish, right? A big fish?

Curt Gowdy: Oh, sure! But do you want to know the real reason they call this “fly fishing”?

Andy Griffith: I just remembered…I have to leave. Right now.

The American Sportsman is off the air, but now we have TV shows about commercial fishermen, such as Deadliest Catch and Swords: Life on the Line.

deadliest catch

"It's really hard to catch fish with these plastic tubs. Can't we get some nets or something?"

In this type of show, a group of foul-mouthed, blue collar scalawags attempts to catch fish in some of the most dangerous waters on the planet — waters so dangerous that even fish try to avoid them. The shifts are long, the work is difficult, and the language is very colorful. Here is an excerpt from Deadliest Catch: All This for Fish Sticks?:

Captain (on the PA): WATCH THE CRANE!!! WATCH OUT FOR THE $#!!%@ CRANE, YOU *$#@!!s!

Crewman 1: What the @#%$#!? is he #$#!!*& talking about?!

Crewman 2: If you weren’t a &%&!!! rookie you’d know, you stupid @#$%%#!!!!

Captain: THE CRANE!!! THE %$##*&!! CRANE!!! ARE YOU ALL #&*^#!!! BLIND??!!!

Crewman 1: Your girlfriend didn’t think I was a rookie last Saturday night, you #$*&&!!!

Crewman 2: Oh yeah? Well, I hear your mother eats fish sticks!

Captain: CRANE!!! C-R-A-N-E !!! THE #@%$#!!!&! CRANE!!!!!!!!

[The crane falls on Crewman 1 and Crewman 2, killing them both instantly]

Captain: OH, GREAT!!! NOW WE GOTTA GET A NEW #$$@%&!! CRANE!!!

There’s certainly nothing wrong with watching other people catch fish. Some people even think that fishing should be an Olympic sport. Then again, some people think pole dancing should be an Olympic sport. And some people like to watch television shows about fishing. That doesn’t make them wrong, but it does make them WEIRD.

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#1 Fishing

Aug 18th, 2009 by dhoyle

Not all weird people like to fish, but you have to be pretty weird to actually like fishing.

If you boys get your lines tangled again, I swear I'll kill you.

"If you boys get your lines tangled again, I swear I'll kill both of you."

When I was a boy, my Dad used to take us fishing. Getting ready for a fishing trip usually involved an extended search to find the fishing poles, fishing licenses, tackle boxes, bait, lures, bobbers, weights, oars or paddles, life jackets, nets, creels, etc.

Screaming would ensue when things could not be found, or worse, when things were found broken. But eventually we would get all the stuff together and make it to a pond or lake.

Once there, the first order of business was to bait your hook. This involved reaching into a coffee can full of fetid manure, grabbing a squirming night-crawler, and repeatedly impaling it on a barbed hook. The worm would writhe ever more frantically with each penetration of the hook, which made the process even more difficult and horrifying. Dear God, just end it, the worm seemed to scream silently. Please just end it.

I know what some of you are thinking: it was just a worm. It wasn’t a kitten, or a puppy, or a fluffy baby chick. But I was still killing an innocent creature with my bare hands, then flinging it into the water, maimed and half-dead, in the hopes of catching and killing another innocent creature. It would have helped if I really needed the fish in order to survive. In that case I could have said to the worms or the fish, “I am truly sorry, but you must die that I may live.” But unfortunately that was not the case. We were fishing just for the sheer fun of it.

What would usually happen next was absolutely nothing. This is the core activity involved with fishing — sitting and doing absolutely nothing for long periods of time. As the hours wore on, delusional thinking would set in, resulting in sensory hallucinations such as false “nibbles.” Maybe if we moved over there, we’d have better luck. I bet you’re right! Let’s go! Let’s do something.

And when a fish was eventually caught, it was usually the wrong type of fish. Too many bones, and not enough meat. An unwanted fish. Or too small — an illegal fish. We’ll just throw it back. But first there was the matter of removing the hook, which was usually firmly lodged halfway down the fish’s digestive tract. Pass me the pliers! After a few minutes of twisting — and sickening crunching noises — the hook would finally come out (along with a couple of internal organs), and the fish would be released to endure the last few hours of its life with intense suffering and pain. Be free, little one, be free!

Bon Appetite!

Bon Appetite!

But sometimes we would catch the right type of fish. When that happened, you got to take the fish home and “clean” it. This involved cutting the fish’s head off, slitting its belly open, and pulling out its internal organs. Then you were ready to enjoy a fish dinner!

After all that, somehow I couldn’t eat the fish. I couldn’t even stand the smell while it was cooking. That did not go over well with the family, but I just could not bring myself to eat it. It could have been psychological, I guess.

So that’s my story. But here are just some of the reasons YOU are weird if you like fishing:

  • You like doing things that are boring and frustrating.
  • You like to spend several hours preparing to doing absolutely nothing constructive for several more hours.
  • You like to talk about bait and lures.
  • You have a hat with a bunch of fishing crap stuck in it.
  • You like to say, “lunker.”
  • You like to read fishing magazines.
  • You suffer from “rod envy.”
  • You like to watch other people go fishing on television.
  • There are several back issues of Outdoor Life in your bathroom.
  • You like torturing, killing, and butchering innocent creatures.
  • You may have the potential to become a serial killer.

That’s about it for now! For all you weird fishermen out there, I leave you with this, which definitely never, ever happens in real life:

This absolutely never happens in real life.

This absolutely never happens in real life.

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